London Calling
http://20six.co.uk/punkhack
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I'm leaving 20six.co.uk.....
I'm packing my bags, and emigrating to the mass community that is live journal.
If you want to visit my beautiful, Gwen Stefani-ed LJ here's the link. Moving On
I will now go around donating any remaining sweeties I have.
I love you guys, but I've got to move on.................
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I've come to a crossroads...
I have a choice. I can continue to be the same person I am, letting stupid crushes that have been around forever to get me down. When I know that he just doesn't like me the way I like him. Because I'm the total opposite of what he's into. When we went out I was a different person. I'm too worldly now....I'm not innocent, which I know is how he likes his girlfriends.
Or.
I can grow up. I'm nearly 19 years old and I am standing on the edge looking at the future. I'm not Dani from Arundel anymore. These square 10 miles which include Arundel, Walberton and everywhere are not the ends of the world. I will not fall off should I stray.
This whole mess with Ali has made me realise that this is but a mere era in a long, long life. I finally realised what the point of seeing all these people was about, it was like a goodbye. It was like a kick up the backside to say "So this is the last 13 or so years...kiss it goodbye, your life is a vast huge void that needs to be filled...get on with it."
I know I'll still see Ali in London, despite the millions that live there. Our interests are so similar that we can't not see each other in passing. The thing is despite how similar we are, we are totally different in some respects. He's shallow. The only reasons that I can think of that he won't admit to liking me or not liking me is either a) He's just being a pussy and can't tell me, even though he knows full and well I can take it. Or b)He's shallow like James said. We are so similar at the same time though. We both react to things the same way, we've been through very similar things and we understand each other ...most of the time.
I don't need to change like I thought I did, he needs to grow up. He's 20 years old and he still cares about looks.
Makes me sick, because I know that he's smarter than that.
Oh well, at least I had the chance to have a laugh despite all the tears...he decided to tell me about how last year he was impotent....and the first boner he got without any aid from a little blue pill was the night he stayed at mine.
*pisses herself with laughter*
Now, I'm going to go and mope for a couple more days. But, after that I'm having an overhaul. Everything will be sorted...not just clothes and belongs, but emotions and feelings. And I need to set up a new blog. Because this represents the old ....and I'm getting ready for the new.
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This is what happened...
apologies if it makes no sense...it's lifted from MSN Messenger.
I went out last night and met up with Jim, it was a really good night. I couldn't be arsed to go home so Jim invited me to go back to his....I'd already consulted with him earlier that night and he told me I had nothing to worry about....he said Ali acts all shallow, not because he's shallow but because his friends were so yeah that's cool, i forget about it and concentrate on having a good night (which was slightly ruined when Elise told me she's coming to my uni ) so we are at Barnham train station and this car pulls up and Jim's like "That's our lift"! and it was Ali, and we go back to jim's and I show him the photos and he asks me and jim to go back to his house so we both say sure, and then just as we're leaving jim changes his mind so I change my mind and Ali's like Nooo nooo please comee so I give in and we go back to his house and we sit and he plays guitar and sings to me and I ask him to sing me a song about his state of mind and it was all about being really torn and confused, something that's been going on for ages, but they are already commited and their friends are really arsey but not to worry because a change is coming for both of us and things will be alright in the end and after he finishes, having had way too much to drink I said "What the fuck was that the other week?"and he's like what? so I'm like you don't even remember? and he's like what me kissing you? and saying all that stuff Suddenly my phone starts ringing and i hung up and he carried on to say He had no regrets, and that it was just confusing, and I said lets not talk about this and he then started playing with my passport and he looked at my photo and he's like "you're soooo pretty there" and I'm like what??!? and he's like that's when you were mine... and I was like erm, no i was 16 then...we went out when we were 14/15 and anyway...he starts playing guitar again and he plays avril lavigne complicated and I've got this sort of half laughing grin on my face and he stops and says what!?!? what?! and I say...that song is you all over... and he's like yeah, i know I'm a cock round other people so we talk and he pisses about the guitar for a while and then he's like bed time....so we go climb into bed and fall straight to sleep and then we wake up in sort of bursts this morning and talk a bit and then he starts feeeling Über sick and spends half the time puking his guts up from the night before and he offers to run me home and I'm like nawww naww don't worry I can catch the bus...so we're sitting watching the tv and i mention that one of the people playing in the badminton final looks like Stuart from BB and he says "My girlfriend has a massive thing for Stuart from big brother." being reallllllly hung over I just casually mention that's wrong...and it clicks.. so he drops me off at the station and says sorry i wasn't much company i'll give u a call and I'll probably see u at jim's party and he gives me cash for the train bless him and I get on the train and my phone rings and it's Vicky calling to tell me taht last night she found he has a gf.... so...now I'm left thinking...eh? and feeling real depressed and that's that
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It's all about timing...
He said he remembered it, he said he had no regrets, he said he meant everything he said.
I stayed at his house last night. We lay in bed and we didn't talk, we didn't touch. He was sick this morning, he was so sweet.
He has a girlfriend.
Her name is Hayley.
Ouch
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*sighs*
I'm feeling better today. I have calmed down. I've also got my photos....see...
I look rough...
this though, is the best photo ever
The look on Oli's face is priceless.
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FUCKING LIFE!
I feel sick. Everything is going fucking wrong at the moment. I'm so unbelievably stressed out and depressed at the moment, it's unreal. I feel like lying in bed all day crying and not doing a fucking thing. Ali couldn't care less, I've dealt with that. My friends are fucking acting as if I'm already not here anymore, and the most stressful of all is my accommodation....
I don't understand the logic of this at all. I sent off MONTHS ago what my choices were, I was sent back a letter saying "You have a place at X hall", so I reply, within the time, two weeks later they say they are sending my cheque back because they only got it that day. I argue with them, they say come up with the necessary proof and they'll see what they can do. I come up with the necessary proof. And they tell me my fucking application is pending. I MAY get a place at Brook Hall, which is fucking ages away and a shared bathroom (Which, I know may sound snobby, but I CAN'T HAVE THAT...I will get ill, I don't do SHARED bathrooms....I can't use them...I just can't....I'm the girl that will not go number 2 unless my parents leave the house.). I have to wait till the 20th of August till I find out. I know that's only 4 days away. But if this all fucks up and they say I've got nowhere. I've got a month and a fucking week, to find cheap, affordable, accommodation, that is close to where *bursts into tears*. I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!
Why? Why can't they just give me the place that I was told I had, I've proved to them that I sent it in on time, WHY ISN'T THAT ENOUGH!?
All I want to do is to get a fucking education, why is that so hard? All I want to do is leave home, get away from this shit hole, where my mother continuously has a go at us for no reason, tells me I'm an accident and that I'll never amount to anything.
Why does it have to go so wrong because some fuckwits in London cannot get a fucking application from one room to another in less than 2 weeks.
I mean, I don't even know where I stand.....with ANYBODY and ANYTHING.
I feel like such a failure at the moment. Like everything my mum said to me is true. It's times like these I understand why I used to be the way I was when I was 14/15. Cutting up my wrists and feeling as if nobody cares, because truthfully...hardly anybody does.
I last spoke to Ali on Wednesday, when he said I couldn't come to Leeds with him anymore. I text him on Saturday asking him how his week was and how about a catch up (sans alcohol) and I've got NOTHING. WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ALL ABOUT THEN!?!??!
I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. Why can't people just tell things straight, life is simple and uncomplicated. Why must everybody complicate it.
I am going to go and lie in my bed and cry now. It's not as if I have anything better to do.
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